I am Mouse
by waaaaaaah
Summary: Dear Diary, Today, I woke up as a mouse. A mouse kid. In Medieval Land. As much as I want to go crazy over the impossibility of all this, I think I can handle it, so long as my life doesn't turn into some sort of musical. Then all bets are off.
1. Welcome To Disneyland

**A/N: This has been sitting around for a few years now, but I finally decided to get up and finish it. It's inspired by Oh, To Be Old Again on FiMFiction, but I imagine it will take its own path as I write more of the story. Those of you who dislike cussing in stories, there is quite of it bit here, but it will peter off as more chapters are published.**

 **Also, for those wondering, I haven't given up on Ranma the Warrior, it's constantly on the back of my mind X3**

 **Disclaimer: Redwall is owned by Brian Jacques**

* * *

Have you ever woken up in an unfamiliar place? Had that sorta, confused mental state when you wake up, then feel even more confused when you realize you don't know where you are?

It happens to me all the time. Well, not **all** the time; just when alcohol and I get together (I tend to drink a **lot** ). Unfortunately, I'm a lightweight, so I tend to lose myself pretty easily. That, coupled with my bad sense of direction, has landed me in some...er, interesting situations. You'd think I'd have learned by now.

Why is this relevant? I'll give you one guess, as I'm not feeling too well at the moment.

"Uuuuuhhhh," I groaned, my head pounding furiously. Bright light stabbed my eyes as I opened them, forcing me to blink rapidly. I sat up slowly, feeling a little queasy, though I had yet to discern its cause. A white, quilted blanket fell off of me; I merely stared at it in mute confusion.

As the gray matter that was my brain began to shift into gear, I took a look at my surroundings. I was sitting in a bed. The room was composed of red bricks, huge ones that towered over me. A row of white, neatly made beds lined the opposite wall and to my sides, each with its own little nightstand. Sunlight streamed through two pairs of equally spaced arched windows in front of me. A single wooden door could be seen at the far end of the wall to my left.

Hmmmm...why was I here again?

Let's see...oh yeah! I had been in a local bar, celebrating my friend's birthday. I had one drink too many, per my usual, and somehow had ended up proposing to some customer's girlfriend. Then it was a bit muddled after that, but I did remember the bit where my face met up with my old friend, the floor. Good times.

Thinking about drinking reminded me about hangovers, and how I had one right now. My head was beating like a drum; I really needed to rehydrate myself. I've heard that if you drink an equal amount of water to the amount of alcohol you consume, you can skip the hangover entirely. Unfortunately, I'm a glutton for punishment, and forget that every time I drink.

So, water. Right now. I seized the blanket and prepared to fling it off when something caught my eye. My mental haze suddenly evaporated when I saw that the hand grasping the blanket, was in fact, not a hand, but a tiny brown clawed thing.

Now, I'm not usually one for language, unless I feel the situation requires it. I don't have anything against cussing, it's just a thing of mine. Nevertheless, my first words of the day came out in traditional cussing fashion as a high-pitched squeak:

"What the fuck!?"

The arm I was looking at was not my own! Mine is long, white, and hairy, not tiny, brown, and furry! (Okay, not much difference on that last point). And my voice! I have a deep, manly voice, not the voice of a whiny, little kid!

That was when I took a closer look at myself in dreadful anticipation, and realized that yes, I **was** a little kid. Only not a human kid. Some sort rodent child; I could see tiny whiskers sprouting from my nose(I suppose that would be my 'snout') and feel something like a tail beneath my butt.

I flipped.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck," I muttered to myself in shock. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck."

I zoned out for a bit, still cussing, until a loud crash to my left snapped me out of it. A brief scan of the area revealed nothing, but I had read too much fiction to simply brush it off as, 'nothing'. My genre savviness was rewarded when I found a giant mouse sprawled on the floor next to my bed, what looked like broken pottery scattered among it, a tray, and bits of food strewn everywhere.

"Hey, are you alright?" I called out, trying to get a reply. The mouse stayed silent. I would have poked at it, but I was too far away.

This was becoming way too weird. I was conscious and rational and thinking, and that part of me was saying that I must be dreaming, because there was simply no explanation for the sight in front of me. Unfortunately, I had no digital clock to test that theory, so it probably would be best to treat everything as if it were real.

In any event, there really wasn't much point in me staying right where I was. If this was a dream, I probably would go on some great Adventure. If not...well, I certainly would have an Adventure trying to fix things.

"I wonder who runs this joint," I muttered to myself as I removed the blanket and carefully made my way off the bed. It sucked being little; I had completely forgotten what it was like. Everything was too damn tall, either way out of your reach or too high for comfort.

Slowly...slowly...there you go! Off the bed! I breathed a sigh of relief, as I was unused to having a tiny body. It was throwing my balance off by quite a bit; I hoped that any other feats requiring good coordination would not be required of me in the near future. Also, I wasn't going to be allowed to drink alcohol anytime soon either (damn my new kid body!).

So. Priority number one: get out of here, find whoever is in charge, and get out of this mess. I had no clue how I was going to become human again, but you never solve anything without starting off with something. Planning can only get you so far.

I carefully made my way down to the monster-sized wooden door, tiptoeing around the giant mouse. It wasn't moving, but I could hear steady breathing, so it probably was okay. Honestly, I felt bad about leaving it there, but I also didn't want to risk waking it up, in case it tried to eat me or something. I'm a mouse, it's a mouse, but where I come from, they don't grow to be eight feet tall. Best not to take any chances.

My feet felt cool as they walked upon the floor; hmm, barefoot I was. There was an old-timey door knocker on the door, which was weird, but not nearly weird enough. I reached out, grabbed hold of it, and pulled it with as much strength as I could muster.

 **WHAM!**

I nearly smashed myself into the wall, but luckily, let go at the last moment, and the door did instead. The sound reverberated in my ears, and I stared at the entranceway for a long moment before letting out a sigh of relief. No one seemed to have heard it, or at least no one had immediately come running. I was safe for the moment.

"I'll uh, be leaving you now," I announced, more towards the giant mouse than anything else. "If I find whoever's in charge, I'll let them know you're here. Um, well, goodbye now."

I poked my head outside of the doorway, looking left and right. No one seemed to be running about, so I left, closing the door behind me as I did. Many doors lined the long hallway; I took a quick peek at a few of them, but all I found were more beds, nightstands, and chests. Shrugging, I left, and wandered about until I came across a large set of stairs. Okay, scratch that, a **huge** set of stairs. I don't know whether it was my tiny form, or my aching head, but they were positively enormous! Who the hell needed such gigan- oh wait, giant mouse people.

They were a nicely curved set of stairs too, made from the same red brick that this entire place seemed to be made of. However, there was no guard rail, so that ended any hope of me walking down them. I was not in the mood to trip and fall all the way down like some sort of cartoon character; unfortunately for me, I don't run on cartoon physics.

Shrugging my shoulders, I was about to head back, when I heard voices floating up from below. The first signs of life since the encounter when I woke up, likely to give me a clue as to where I was and what was going on.

"...are likely growing stronger by the day. I have never heard of such a thing in all my seasons, not even in the Abbey records!"

"What can we do? We are not fighters, and of those who have the inclination, we do not have the numbers to even help make a dent."

"Abbess Jetta, we must do something! It is clear to everybeast that we must send as much aid as we can spare!"

"Aldwin, as much as I see the need , I do not wish to throw away anybeasts' lives away frivolously."

"If I may, Abbess Jetta, I think that we should pay heed to Martin's message. While we have yet to determine it's intent, it is quite apparent that..."

Forget it, that was essentially gibberish speak (aside from the whole fighting thing). But it was interesting to listen to, so I leaned in closer to better hear the conversation happening below.

"Alright Chanle, you've made your point. However, I want to wait until we figure out the rest of the message's meaning."

"That might be a bit difficult. I have never heard of such a title in my life! 'Master of Forces'? What does that even mean!?"

"You aren't the first creature to voice the opinion that clearer messages from Martin would be more appreciated, Wymer. I imagine that there is some reason why they are delivered to us in the manner that they are."

"What are **you** doing here?"

The female voice from behind me boomed like a loudspeaker. I spun around and found a large...thing looming over my miniscule form. It was big, wearing a cream-colored apron, had greyish fur, and black and white stripes all over its face. It's angry maw opened wide, and for a fleeting moment, I thought it would eat me, when it spoke again:

"You should be resting in the infirmary, not sneaking about like some sort of scoundrel! Why isn't Sister Seranti with you?"

"D-Don't come near me, monster!" I squeaked in fright as I backed away from the sentient zoo-exhibit, my foot landing on a step on the stairs. My, what nice sharp teeth you have, grandma. "I know kung-fu! Mister Miyagi taught me everything I know! Wax on, wax off!"

I waved my hands in wild motions, trying to ward it off. It looked confused, mouth opening and closing as it grasped for words. Finally, a worried look settled upon its face.

"Don't be scared," she it continued, talking in a softer tone, hand-paws reaching for me. Hah, you can't fool me! I know all your tricks! "There's nothing to be afraid of. Everything is alright now."

"That's what they all saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!" I let out a high-pitched scream as I misstepped and fell into empty space. I was graced by a brief falling sensation, before I hit a wall with the all grace of a flying brick.

Instinctively, I covered my face with my arms and gripped my head as I fell and hit a step at an awkward angle, and started to roll down. I hit the next step a bit harder, and I started to pick up speed, going faster and faster, all the while swearing like a drunken sailor every time I smashed into the red brick. Did I say brick? I meant stone. That was made painfully clear to me after the first few times I made sweet, sweet contact with it.

"I-want-off-this-fucking-roller-coaster-right-now!" I raved as the world spun around me, and tightened my grip upon myself. "Where-the-hell-is-OSHA-compliance-when-you-need-it!?"

All of a sudden, stone floor! One muted THUD! later, and I was groaning and moaning at my pitiful state...no, I am an adult, I will not cry.

But it fucking **hurts**.

"Are you alright!?" a bunch more creature-faces crowded my vision. I was hurting all over, too much to care, but not enough to keep my mouth from moving.

"Owww...," I grunted, tears of pain leaking out of my eyes. "I'm going to be feeling that in the morning...didn't even get over my hangover yet..."

Well, it wasn't like the situation could get any worse.


	2. The Beginning Of A Beautiful Friendship

**A/N: From this chapter and onward, there will be some ideas/things that I put into the story that might not quite fit in Brian Jacques world of Redwall. This is on purpose; rest assured, I am trying to keep the same tone the novels take, while doing something slightly different in this particular story. I would appreciate any advice or suggestions on how to handle these cases. You will know when you see it.**

 **Disclaimer: Redwall is owned by Brian Jacques**

* * *

There are times in life when you look back, and laugh at yourself for just how dumb you were acting at the time. There are also times that you cringe and wonder what the hell was going on in your mind. But I believe that in the future, when I'm old and grey and have creaky bones and look back and remember this, I'm just going to laugh my ass off.

But to get to the future, I have to get past the present.

"... and I can't believe you were so foolish like that! Of all the reckless things a creature could do, this has to be one of the worst!"

Did I forget to mention that I was wearing some kind of weird green robe fitted for my size? I was, and the giant animal thing was lifting it and checking me for broken bones. Don't look at me like that, I have brain farts sometimes. It happens to everyone.

"Thank heavens, you've only ended up with light bruises!" she continued scolding me while I winced every time she poked or prodded an area on my body. Scolding! I haven't been talked to like that in years! Well, except for last Christmas when our pot roast exploded. And Thanksgiving the year before when the turkey stuffing turned out to be inedible. And that time when - really, it wasn't my fault! It's not like I have a habit for getting into trouble...okay fine, I'm not helping my case here.

"I'm, uh, er, sorry," I muttered a little guiltily, turning away from the animal. Its name was on the tip of my tongue, but my brain was refusing to cooperate, and it just would not come to me. Eh, I'd figure it out in due time.

"So, is this the young one that was found lying at the entrance to the Abbey?" one of the other creatures asked my...caretaker, for lack of a better word. It appeared to be another giant mouse, wearing another one of those green robes, but this one seemed to be a lot older looking and feminine. I don't know how I could tell this, but I suspect that I might be starting to acclimate to my new body.

"Yes, Abbess," the caretaker replied, dusting itself herself off and rising to her feet. Paws. Whatever. "He was supposed to be eating his noon meal that Sister Seranti was bringing to him in the infirmary, but I found him instead listening to your conversation at the top of the stairs."

"Well," the 'Abbess' gave me a slight smile. "I daresay that our newest resident has likely learned his lesson, haven't you?"

Everyone turned and looked at me, and I gave them a nervous smile in return. For some reason, I felt more uncomfortable with the attention they were giving me than some other times where I had spectacularly messed up.

"I, um, will try not to turn myself into a pancake again, er, miss Abbess," I answered the mouse woman hesitantly. "I, uh, was just nervous and feeling out of place."

"I should well say so!" the caretaker snorted. "I don't know where you've been raised, but we badgers are not monsters. I would save such talk for vermin and their ilk. Now, we must be heading back to the infirmary. You still need to eat and recover from whatever left you lying outside our gates, especially from the fall you just took."

Right. Badger. I remembered now. Furry little thing. Also, I just got here, why are you taking me away!?

"Might we have your name first, before you go?" one of the other creatures came forward, a wizened old thing that was hunched over and leaning upon a walking stick. Its species name was also currently beyond me, though I think it was called a 'sea dog'.

"Go on, tell Recorder Chanle your name," the badger instructed me as I got up (god, did my body hurt all over). I wasn't sure _why_ he was phrasing it as if I was in control here, but for some reason, it felt good. Weird.

"It's...it's…" I screwed up my face in concentration, but it did not come to me. I knew what my name was, right? I know I did, but for the life of me I couldn't remember it. This was the strangest thing that had happened to me so far, even including turning into a mouse. I mean, I could clearly remember my family, my current occupation, but my own name? It was as distant to me as the moon was to the Earth.

"I...I don't know!" I said agitatedly. I was starting to choke up - wait, was I about to cry? No, this would not do! I would not cry!

Okay, I did cry. But only a little bit.

"S-Sorry, I can't tell you," I sniffed miserably, a tear rolling down my cheek. "I just can't remember it. I don't know why."

The other creatures looked alarmed, and the badger caretaker knelt down and hugged me tightly.

"There there, it's alright," she spoke soothingly to me as she gently stroked my head. "Let's go back to the infirmary now."

Still sniffling, I let her take my hand and lead me back to the place where I awoke in.

* * *

By the time we had reached the top of the stairs, I had more or less recomposed myself. Honestly, I was a bit ashamed of myself. Crying? Really? Okay, I couldn't remember my name, but I was still me. I still had my other memories. What's in a name anyways!?

Hmmm, actually, this was a golden opportunity that could not go to waste. I had the whole of human civilization to choose a name from, and it was going to be glorious! Hey, I could even name myself Batm-

"No matter what happened, I want you to know that you will always have a place here in Redwall," the badger caretaker suddenly spoke to me. Lady, don't break my train of thought! "I don't know who left you here, or what caused you to forget your name, but you're in good paws now."

"Thanks, I guess," I answered her, and was pleased at the fact that my voice was perfectly normal again. Well, normal for a mouse kid anyways. "To tell you the truth, I don't know how I got here either." And the truth it was, but there was no way I could ever tell the rest of it without being locked up in the madhouse or scolded for telling tall tales. Heh. Tales, tails. I have a tail now, and I was walking as normally as if I had been born with it. That was the real madness, I tell you.

"I daresay you have amnesia, but examining that will have to wait until you've been properly fed," she said, opening the door to what apparently was the infirmary.

"Okay. By the way, I never caught your name," I remarked to her as I followed her inside.

"You may call me Aurora. I am the Bader Mother, and am responsible for all young creatures living here at Redwall," she replied. And then we were back in the room that I had left around fifteen minutes ago. The mouse that earlier was unconscious was now awake and tidying up the mess on the floor. This must be the good Sister and the remains of the food that had been intended for me.

"Sister Seranti, is everything alright?" Aurora requested of her. I recalled my reaction upon awakening, and realized that this development did not bode well for me. I furtively began moving backwards, to make my escape; angry badger was the last thing I wanted to be around.

"I seem to be doing fine now," she responded casually, dumping the last of the mess onto the tray I vaguely remembered seeing earlier. "Just a bit of a fainting spell, you know? I was carrying the food to the infirmary to feed that poor soul Chanle found outside the Abbey, and had just entered, when I heard the foulest language ever to be spoken by a living creature. It was just so awful that I swooned right there on the spot!"

Aurora turned towards my direction, and gave me a piercing glare, stopping me in my tracks. I returned it for all of two seconds, whereupon I immediately quailed and looked away.

"I admit to nothing," I grumbled sulkily.

* * *

I was now seated upon a bed, kicking my legs out of boredom. Aurora had made me promise to stay in the infirmary while they brought me a new meal. I had the distinct feeling that she was expecting more trouble from me, and I was inclined to argue the point, but the badger was fierce and wore me down until I just gave up out of exasperation.

Of course, five minutes in I was already considering breaking it and leaving to explore on my own. There were no TVs, no computers, not even a book or two to read! I was going insane!

The thought of modern technology brought me to another tangent, namely just how different this place was. At this point, it was quite obvious that I was in another world, but here they seemed to have the same level of technology as medieval Europe. No electricity, no easily accessible running water, no modern conveniences or appliances of any kind. Hell, I might even have to invent the abacus, just so that I'd have some sort of calculator to work with. Huh, did they even have the abacus back then? I didn't know, and I needed the Internet to find out.

Wait. There was no internet. This was the worst thing ever! I was bereft, I was hopeless, I was-

A sudden noise at the entrance of the room broke my reverie; I took a closer look, and behold, there was a furry face that gazed at me for a full second. Then it disappeared behind the slightly open door, and whispering voices could be heard issuing from the open portal. But lo, I was not disturbed, for it was plainly obvious that in a place like this, something of this sort would occur sooner than later.

Ah, well, it was better than thinking about dreary stuff anyways. I slid off the bed (much easier this time), and quietly made my way towards the doorway, paying close attention to the soft sounds of a conversation taking place nearby.

"Didja see him? What does he look like?"

"Only for a second. He's just some plain ol' mouse."

"Hey, I'm a mouse!"

"Yeah, but you're not plain, right? He's right ol' plain, is what he is."

"Whoi don' we'm jus' goo uppen and talken to ee'. Oi bet ee's got summ gurt stories, bein' frumm outsoid ee' habbey an' all."

"Watcha doing, guys?" I asked the group cheerfully as I strolled into view of my visitors. They all jumped back in surprise, all children creature things my size. With my superior powers of deduction, I identified one red-furred mouse, a squirrel girl, and some new creature with large claws and black fur and a longish snout. All were wearing the same green robes that everyone else had been wearing, but theirs were quite dirty, even more so than my own. This must be the local troublemaker squad. I could smell them (literally too) a mile off.

"So who are you guys anyw-"

"See, I toldja he was plain!" Squirrel Girl suddenly pointed at me.

I frowned, and tried again. "Who are you-"

"Hey, you're right!" Red Mouse interrupted me, examining my body as if I was a specimen on display in a museum.

"Look," I started, annoyed at the constant interruptions, "maybe we can all just introduce one-

"Oo arr, but oi loik t'cut of 'is jeb."

"CAN I GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE!?" I hollered, flailing my arms wildly. "JUST LET ME FUCKING SPEAK!"

I stood there, my shoulders heaving as I tried to catch my breath. The group backed off, eyeing me curiously, and looking at one another wordlessly. Surprisingly, they didn't seem the least bit frightened or scared.

"You said a bad word," Squirrel Girl said finally, eyeing me disapprovingly. "We're not allowed to say those words."

Uh oh. "Well," I started weakly, "What are words anyways? Heh heh, I mean, they're just sounds, and how do you know it's bad, and and-

"Yeah!" Red Mouse added in a cheerful tone of voice, ignoring my rambling completely. "Mother Aurora gives big punishments to those who say naughty words."

"Burr aye!" the new creature chimed in too. "Oi steel amember t'larst toime oi was punnishered. Turrible, et was."

"I wonder what she'll do if she hears about this," Squirrel Girl mused as she looked down the hallway. My eyes widened. Danger, danger Will Robinson! Red alert, abort, abort!

"No please, don't say anything, it was an accident, I swear," I babbled to them. "I'll do anything, just don't tell Aurora, please!"

"Anything?" Squirrel Girl said slyly. I froze, saw the grins on the faces of the other two children, and then realized that they had trapped me perfectly. But it wasn't like I could go back on my word, or I would be seen as worse than garbage, and get punished too. Damn it all to hell!

"Anything," I groaned. I was officially doomed from the moment I woke up in this crazy place.

"Alright then!" she said excitedly. "You have join our group and play with us!"

Yup. Totally doomed.


	3. Food, Glorious Food!

**A/N: This took a bit longer than expected, but here it is. Constructive criticism is much welcomed, so I can continue to improve the story. Please let me know if chapters get too dull; I'd hate for the story to lose its comedic edge!**

 **Disclaimer: Redwall is owned by Brian Jacques**

* * *

"So, uh," I said awkwardly, having just been inducted into the Trio de Dangers. Now that everything was calm (relatively anyways), I could approach the situation in a normal manner. "Maybe you guys could tell me your names now?"

Squirrel Girl nodded. "I'm Torri," she said pointing to herself. "This here is Barls," she pointed at Red Mouse. "An' this is Rumble." The unknown creature waved. "Now you tell us yours," she said spiritedly, placing her hands on her hips.

"I, um, don't remember it," I told her, immediately regretted doing so, but plunged onwards regardless. "But don't you even **think** of giving me one," I warned her as she opened her mouth to speak. "I want to give myself a cool name, and the last thing I want to hear from you is 'Boring' or 'Plain', or whatever else you've got in store for me."

"You're funny." Torri giggled, and I sighed, running my hands through my hair (headfur? I had no clue anymore). On the one hand, I was no longer bored, and the little rascals clearly wanted to hang out play with me. However, this was getting to be a bit too weird and creepy for me. A bit in the sense of, 'gee, why don't we just take a bit of a cruise over the Grand Canyon?'. I mean, yeah, technically I **was** their age, but only physically; mentally, I'm a twenty four year old who's in the middle of his second year of engineering. And unlike a certain Detective Conan (who had a similar problem), I can't drink booze and return to my original form.

"Watcha thinkin' 'bout?" Barls asked me, interrupting my reverie.

"Ho urr, oi'm wantin' t'know too!" Rumble joined in.

"Oh, you know, grown up things," I dismissed them casually. No way I could avoid them, but at least I could minimize the time spent with them. Notwithstanding the fact they were kids, they were, you know, liable to dig me deeper into the hole I'd already dug for myself.

"Pooh!" Torri stuck her cute little nose in the air. "Grown up stuff is boring."

Pooh? Who used that anymore? "Says who? You?" I scoffed. "You just think so because you don't understand it."

She wrinkled her nose. "Says me. And I know, because I've sat through lots n'lots of Chanle's lessons, and they're all boring."

"I don't know who this Chanle guy is," I retorted, "but you clearly don't know what you're talking about. I know lots of interesting grown up stuff that would make your head spin!"

"Um, Torri, I think I hear somebeast coming." Barls tugged on her robe to get her attention, but she ignored it.

"Yes, I do know!" she growled at me. "I bet it's all just stupid stuff that nobeast ever uses!"

"No, you don't!" I shouted back at her. Oh, it was on now, even though I had no clue why I was arguing with a ten year-old. I was committed to this. "Have you ever gone to the moon? Hah! Do you even know what it takes to do that? Grown up stuff, that's what!"

"Torri, we shudd go!" Now it was Rumble pulling on her robe frantically.

"What is it!?" Torri snapped. Just then, a familiar voice floated heard from the direction of the stairs I had tumbled down earlier.

" _...like the meal? I think that he'll love it! Poor thing, he looks a smidgen underfed."_

" _I'm sure he will, Friar Kelka always does a fine job. I just hope he's in his bed and not outside like I suspect him to be."_

"Uh oh," she whispered. Way to put it mildly, Torri. Try 'we're screwed' instead.

"RUN!" Barls shrieked, and the three fled down the hallway with as much haste as escaping children can. I, like the idiot that I was, simply froze in place with my mouth hanging open. Duh, me no have sense of self-preservation.

And of course, moments later, Doom appeared at the other end, accompanied by the good Sister who was carrying what appeared to be a tray of food.

"I, uh, um, I can explain..." I trailed off, watching the mixture of expressions on Aurora's face as she simply put a paw to her a forehead and sighed. I think I heard her mutter something about 'those rapscallions', but I couldn't catch the rest. I wonder how long I could keep this up before I really found out what child labor was like.

"I can walk, I can walk!" I squawked as she reached for me and attempted to scoop me up in those giant arms of her.

"Back to your bed, then," she responded as she withdrew. Wanting not to waste time any longer, I reluctantly walked back into the room, and climbed onto the bed where I was expected to spend my time being bored out of my skull. At least I was going to fill my ravenous stomach and rid myself of my accursed headache.

""Don't make a mess of it this time, or you'll have nothing until suppertime," the badger warned me as Sister Seranti placed the hefty tray upon my lap, and a small pitcher of what was probably water on the nightstand beside me. It contained a clay cup, some sort of bread, butter, and a stew in a nice-sized wooden bowl. "We aren't fond of wasting food here."

I barely paid attention to her as I looked over the food waiting for me. The bread had a rich, golden color with nary a hint of a burn anywhere. Thin furrows lined the loaf, and baked into were an assortment of chopped nuts baked into. A small bowl contained the thick, creamy looking spread, producing a rich, heavenly aroma. And the stew! Wispy steam wafted from a sea of slivered carrots, sliced potatoes, brown lentils, chopped onions, blonde barley, sprigs of lettuce or some other green vegetable, and a lightly seasoning with what I think was basil.

You know in all those animes where the characters drool excessively at the sight of amazing food? That was literally happening to me right now.

"What - what is that!?" I gasped, wiping away the drool from my mouth. Aurora frowned at my reaction.

"It's your meal," she told me, giving me another one of those piercing looks, but I was completely unfazed. "Just some nutbread, butter, and a bowl of barley and lentil stew. Is there something wrong that I should know about?"

"No, it...it...it just looks so good!" I burst out. Aurora and Seranti looked at each other; the latter laughed, while a look of amusement graced the face of the former.

"Tis simply lunch," Seranti said, giving me a warm smile. "You should wait and see when the Abbey truly feasts. 'Tis a sight to behold.

"Indeed," Aurora added, smoothing the expression on her face until it was neutral. Damnit, I know you're dying to laugh at me! "Just make sure you finish up as much as you can. You wouldn't want to was any of this delicious food now, would you?"

"Yeah yeah, laugh it up fuzzballs," I muttered embarrassedly at the laughing pair.

* * *

"Now stay in bed and rest," Aurora admonished me, and shut the door to the infirmary. I lay down, pulled the sheets up to my head, and tried to do just that. The taste of my noon meal still lingered with me, and though I was full, I couldn't wait for my next meal. I stared at the red brick ceiling, and sighed.

All things considered, I wasn't so bad off. The animal people here seemed like a decent sort, feeding me and looking after my needs. Oh, it was quite obvious that sooner or later, I'd be expected to pull my weight, but it felt...right. Still, there was something that was tickling my brain about the way these guys were living, something I couldn't put a word to yet. I was also sure that this place was more than a glorified orphanage, but nothing I had seen so far pointed to the contrary.

There was another matter I had to think about, and that was the behaviour I had shown since I had woken up. It was true that I had been, to put it mildly, been thrown widely off balance, but that didn't really excuse the way I had been acting until now. I mean, shouting and swearing at little kids? Severe problems with staying put? Causing general havoc and mayh- nah, that last one was normal behavior, if only slightly exaggerated. It was weird, and I had no clue why this was happening.

Questions for later, I told myself as I tried to settle into a more comfortable position. My new priority was to find the local magic man, get him to turn me back into a human, and send me back home. This was clearly some sort of fantasy world (why else giant talking animals?), and there obviously was some sort of magic involved here. In the meantime though, it probably would be in my interests to, uh, go native. I vowed I'd stay where I was told and not get into hijinks.

 _Five minutes later…_

I was outside the infirmary, creeping along the hallway in the direction that Torri and her gang had fled. There a number of factors motivating my departure, namely: heaps of dullness, stacks of monotony, and of course, a good old helping of boredom. Also curiosity, as it was in a direction that here that I had yet visit here at...what was it called again? Something along the lines of Roadwail, or was it Habbi? Ah, whatever, they'd tell me sooner or later.

I eventually came upon a set of stairs leading to a level above that which I currently occupied. Recalling my previous encounter not an hour ago, I was very mindful of my ascent to the next floor, and after a short while entered a new room completely safe and sound. It was filled with couches, easy armchairs, and an unlit brazier in the center. The furniture looked well-used, but still in good shape. Sunlight fell through a nearby window, illuminating the room with a soft glow.

I stepped forward-

 **HNNNNNNNNGH!**

"Jesus!" I yelped. Clutching my heart and shutting my mouth, I carefully brought my breathing down to an acceptable level. The violent explosion had erupted from the couch right in front of me; I gingerly made my way around it and took a look at the occupant which had startled me so. A solitary animal with lots of spikes lay there, sleeping and snoring peacefully; an old one too, from the looks of him. I let out the breathe I had been holding and sighed in relief. Damn it old man, don't scare me like that. At any rate, he didn't seem like he was waking up, so it looked like I was in the clear.

"Out and about again, I see."

 _Maybe I should stop tempting fate_ , I thought as I whirled around and came face to face with the sea-dog I had seen earlier. A look of wry amusement sat upon his face, and I struggled to recall his name...what was it again? I think it was Chanle, or someting like that. I was pretty sure he had a title too, but I couldn't be bothered to recall that now.

"Something of a free spirit, I see," he continued, chuckling a bit. "Aurora's going to have her paws full just dealing your antics alone, nevermind that of the other Dibbuns."

"Antics?" I scoffed. What was this guy on about? "I think you're mistaking me for someone else. Besides, if you're talking about what happened earlier, I simply woke up in a strange place and got confused a bit. That's **all** that's happened."

Chanle stared at me for a moment, then threw his head back and laughed. I gave him a deadpan stare as he just kept laughing and laughing, until he started hacking up a lung. He wiped the tears from his eyes and said with a mirthful grin: "Ahaha, sorry, but I don't believe you. In the time that you've woken up, young one, you skipped out on a meal and snuck out of the infirmary, called Aurora a monster and fell down the stairs leading to the Great Hall, and left the infirmary again to alleviate your boredom. At this point, I daresay you might have even attracted the attention of Torri and her comrades-in-terror."

"You know, most people would think twice before talking that way to a little kid." I said casually while my cheeks grew red from embarrassment. There was no way in hell I was going to affirm his completely factual statements. "Does the staff here even let you get away with such things?"

"Ah, well, an old fogey such as I can get away with quite a bit, you see," the brilliant mad beast winked at me. "Besides, I know you can handle such banter. You talk surprisingly well for a creature your age, and as such, that comes with a sort of maturity that allows for such things."

I stared at the crazy old coot in shock. How the hell did he get all that!? I mean, we've barely spoken to one another, and yet he managed to draw out all that just from a few sentences!? The guy must be some sort of genius!

"How do you know all this?" I spoke slowly in response.

"I am the Recorder here at Redwall Abbey," the sea-dog announced. "I chronicle events and histories here, and am also responsible for educating our young ones. My job isn't simply scholarly, so I've come to learn quite a lot about the behaviour of all sorts of creatures."

Okay, I now could understand it. Maybe he just happened to naturally be really observant of human animal nature, and had simply trained that to an extreme degree. This was something I could handle.

Hmmm, now that I thought about it, he was probably the only one here who would believe me about being stuck in a mouse's body. Though I would definitely have to wait until he got to know me better. I had quite the reputation already, no need for me to become the town crazy.

 **HNNNNNNNNGH!**

I jumped again at the sound of the snoring, and Chanle seemed to become aware of the current situation.

"Right, well, it's back to the infirmary for you," he said authoritatively. "This has been quite an adventure and all, but you **do** need to rest. Come along!"

"But...but-"

"No buts!" he said emphatically, shepherding me to the stairs and back to the boring old infirmary and my boring old bed. I thought about protesting, was about to raise my voice, but stopped when a stray thought struck me. There was only so much trouble that I could safely get into on a given day, emphasis on ' _safely_ '. And I had certainly gotten into a lot of trouble. It probably would be a good idea for me to start taking a moment or two to consider my thoughts before acting on them. Maybe I could make it up to everyone (mostly Aurora) tomorrow.

All that was left was for me to get through the rest of today.

That is, if something else doesn't happen first.


	4. It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

**A/N: I used some of the Abbey Charter from the Redwall Wikia in this chapter (man, is it one of the most essential resources I've used when writing this fic).**

 **Disclaimer: Redwall is owned by Brian Jacques**

* * *

"So I guess you'll be leaving me then," I said sulkily as Chanle tucked me in, the late-afternoon rays shining through a window. Yeah yeah, I know I was being childish, but I wasn't looking forward to spending hours being mind-numbingly bored out of my skull until I fell asleep out of frustration. Plus, I was technically ten years old anyways, so it wasn't like I was acting out of character.

"Not at all," he replied, pulling up a nearby stool and sitting down on it. "I thought you'd like some company; I know from personal experience how dreadful it can be being bound somewhere and not being able to do anything."

He winked at me, and I found it slightly comical. I was actually a little touched by his response, and his willingness to spend his time with a little kid, a troublemaker at that. All I could manage was a dumb, "Oh."

"Also, it'll help keep you out of any further trouble," he continued. Ah, well, I can't blame him for that.

"So, now that you're nice and settled in, is there anything you'd like to talk about?" the sea-dog asked me, and I gave the question some thought before replying.

"For starters, you can tell me what this place is called. I've been running around for a few hours now like a chicken with its head cut off, and I don't know even know where the hell I am."

A variety of expressions flashed across Chanle's face at my response, chiefly bewilderment, but he answered me nonetheless. "This whole structure," he waved his arm around the room in an encompassing manner, "is known as Redwall Abbey. We are a peaceful order, helping those in need, but defending our home when threatened with war. We are creatures of peace and goodwill, forsaking all unnecessary forms of violence, not only to Mossflower, its trees, grasses, flowers and insects, but to all living creatures. If you want, I can recite the Abbey Charter in its entirety; it would give you the best of idea of what we're like."

"Nope, nope, I'm good," I answered him a shade quickly, and groaned internally. It just figured that I had to get stuck with religious animal hippies. Then again, it was probably for the best that I ended up here rather than somewhere with a lot of, ah, _conflict_. And they weren't so bad anyways, so I guess it was alright, though I still needed to find the local wizard to transform me back into a human. And of course, send me back home.

"Before we continue, I'm going to have to ask you be mindful of the language you use," Chanle informed me in a mild tone. Holy shit, was he soccer momming me? "I don't know what your background was like, but we don't use distasteful language here in the Abbey."

I stared at him, all sorts of responses flying through my head, from the reasonable ('I have my rights!') to the unreasonable ('I'll say what I damn well please!') to the bizarre ('English muffins would be really good about now.'). Eventually, I decided that I would not fight him on this issue, and simply nodded. "Okay. I'll uh, try to be more careful."

Clearly, I must have made some sort of face, for Chanle reached out and patted me on the arm. "Cheer up young one, you aren't in any sort of trouble," he reassured me, but I just felt guiltier when I recalled my earlier encounter with Torri and her gang of miscreants. "Despite your apparent maturity, you still are a bit young to be speaking that way."

"Ffffffff-fine," I grumbled. "Well, now that we're done with that, why don't we talk about the Abbey itself. Its history, and so forth," I suggested, settling into a more comfortable position. The less time spent on my speaking habits, the better.

"Alright," Chanle nodded as I stifled a yawn. "Redwall was founded an endless amount of seasons ago. It was a group effort between the inhabitants of a previous Abbey named Loamhedge, and the creatures of Mossflower Woods who had emerged victorious in a fight with its cruel tyrant ruler. The Abbey was built from red sandstone in a nearby quarry, which is where the name 'Redwall' comes from..."

I put my head down as I listened to the sea-dog speak about adventures, battles, and other events from Redwall's evidently long past. It was a fascinating listen; if I ever got of this place, I probably could make a fortune by writing them down and selling them as children's books.

I stifled another yawn, and continued to listen to the fantastic stories being told to me.

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THERE ARE NO MORE PIES!?" I roared at the burger merchant. Clearly, he was doing poorly if his stock did not include the sweet, sweet deliciousness I sought. "IS TODAY NOT PIE DAY, WHERE YOU CAN BUY THREE FOR THE COST OF ONE!? MY GOOD SIR, I DEMAND MY PASTRIES."

The man shrugged, then wandered off on his hoverbike. Obviously, I needed to find the three false flamingos first, or I'd never get to eat them. Quickly I ran, but the Superhulk refused to try bouncing, so our friendship was over. Never liked that sprite anyways.

"Where is the Battle of Waterloo?" I yelled to a passing Philip Norris, but the hairdresser just waved his ogre-guarded spells, then turned into a frog and hopped away. I cursed as I prepared to draw my heirloom blade to deal with the new threat, but I could only jump forward very slowly as the color washed away, until everything was gone and replaced with blackness.

Astoundingly, I could still see myself as if there was still light around, but there was no visible light source. A faint noise echoed around me, and I frowned heavily. What had just happened? I recalled the senselessness of moments ago, and yet I found that it was indeed senseless.

"Am I dreaming?" I wondered aloud. I pinched myself with a pinkish hand, felt the pain, and yet it was fleeting, as if it was happening to someone else. Then I noticed that it was the normal color for a human, and that I was human again.

"Yeah, I'm dreaming," I concluded as I looked around the dark expanse. There was nothing as far as the eye could see, except for that noise, which was getting louder. Wish it didn't take a dream for me to be human ag-

" _Outsider."_

I spun around and came face to face with another one of those mice I had seen at Redwall. A brown-furred fellow, he was clad in armor, holding a sword and bearing a shield with a large 'M' embossed upon it. He stared at me intensely, making me feel quite uncomfortable.

The mouse didn't speak further, only pointed behind me with his sword. Frowning, I turned around, and beheld the sight of a large building set ablaze. Made from the same red-bricks I'd seen everywhere, this had to be the fabled Redwall Abbey, only smoking and on fire, surrounded by a sea of shadows. A sense of unease started growing within me as I witnessed multitudes of shapeless figures exit the Abbey at high speed, collapse, and disappear. The sound from earlier grew even louder, more distinct, until I realized that it was screaming. Shouting, yelling, howling, crying, weeping, shrieking, all coming from the red building.

I turned back to the mouse, whose sword had dropped and whose eyes now seemed to be piercing my own, as if he could see right through me. I shivered at his gaze, wondering just what the hell was going on.

" _Save them"_ , his voice echoed amidst the roaring and wailing all around me, everything vanishing into the distance. Then it all turned dark.

* * *

I sat bolt upright in bed, breathing heavily and sweating profusely. For a while, I did nothing, and just tried to process what had been an incredibly vivid dream. After a few minutes, my breathing slowed, my heart rate normalized, and I allowed myself to reflect on what I had just experienced.

A dream. Or rather, a nightmare in which a strange figure had warned me of some impending doom in store for Redwall. The screaming was still echoing in my head, and I had to suppress a sudden bout of nausea that came upon me. I had never dreamt anything of the sort before, and I let out a nervous laugh when I considered that due to the absurdity of my situation, there was a good chance that this was something that really would happen. The animal people here, though quite odd, were definitely good people who didn't deserve what I'd seen. It was very important that I tell _somebody_ about this.

"But first, I need to pee," I muttered, my brooding was interrupted when my body signaled to me that it had a need that needed to be taken care of. I was about to slide off of the bed when the full force of the thought hit me.

I had to go to the bathroom.

That thought froze me in place. Never until this moment did I wish more that I was back home, with modern facilities and flush toilets and readily available water. It had never occurred to me before to think about how people summoned to another world in fantasy stories did their business. And now it was forced upon me, and it was mighty uncomfortable.

"Damnit, I don't want to use a chamberpot," I muttered to myself as I searched the room. In far end by the right corner, stood the very thing I sought. It wasn't ornate, just an innocent looking bucket-shaped object. I glared at the cursed vessel, and immediately made up mind to never use given the chance. Of course, I still had to relieve myself, and that was when I chanced upon the most brilliant of ideas. I lowered myself onto the floor, and quietly made my way to the nearest window in the room. I could see the early morning daylight shining through it, and the last thing I wanted was for someone to encounter me at the most inopportune moment. There was always that one guy who ' _just so happened'_ to get up with the rising sun.

Grabbing the stool Chanle had sat on the day before, I maneuvered it into position and climbed upon it, then hoisted myself onto the ledge. I could now see out onto the grounds of the Abbey, and it looked absolutely gorgeous in the sunrise that was now in full swing. I took a moment to take it all in. Vast orchards of fruit bearing trees. A pool of water glittered in the far end of my vision, the ground covered with the greenest grass that I had ever seen grass get. It was an amazing view, and honestly, I felt privileged to have experienced this.

Right! It was now or never. Hurriedly, I glanced behind me, listening for the sound of footsteps but thankfully not hearing anything.I turned around, and...well, I think you know what comes next.

* * *

"How are we feeling today?" Sister Seranti smiled cheerfully at me as she lay down a tray carrying my breakfast on my lap.

"Tired," I answered her grumpily. I had not been able to fall back asleep after my little excursion, and it bothered me. A lot. The sun had risen some time ago, making any attempts to lie in quite impossible. Hence, the bad mood.

"Well then, you should cheer up after getting some food in your belly," the good Sister patted my head. Damnit woman, I may be a kid, but - okay fine, I _am_ a kid. "Why, I've seen many a beast improve their mood after having something to eat."

Oh yeah. I forgot about the amazing food that this place made. Speaking of which, today's meal looked to be very simple. A salad consisting of cucumbers, tomatoes, and carrots, a greenish-white substance that vaguely smelled like cheese, and a small loaf of golden brown bread. Yet, despite its simplicity, it looked and smelled _heavenly_.

"It seems I was right after all," Seranti interrupted my musing, and I embarrassedly wiped the drool that had formed around my mouth. "I'll be back later to collect the dishes," she added as she waltzed up to the door, and exited the room.

"Wait!" I called out to her, having just remembered about my dream, but she was already gone. I sighed. Typical.

Oh well, time to eat! I was more than ready to polish off my meal, every last scrap and morsel of food went down my gullet. I tore off a piece of fresh bread, and dipped it into the green thing, ready to take a bite of the del-

"Good mornin', Mister Smarty," a childish voice assaulted my senses. I considered several responses, then shrugged and took a bite of the bread. Indeed, it was cheese as I had suspected. A weird local variant, but eh, it worked. Ahh, did that hit the spot.

"Hey!" the voice that was clearly Torri's exclaimed, but I paid it no heed and continued dipping and eating. Man, was the food good as ever!

"If we was you" the voice of Barls (I think?) suddenly , "We wouldn't touch th'salad. Torri put hotroot pepper innit."

"Barls!" Torri shrieked at the red-furred mouse. I stopped eating and looked at the half of my breakfast that was apparently now **inedible** , then rested my gaze upon the trio of kids standing at the foot of my bed, focusing on the female squirrel among them.

"I did not!" she protested, and my right eye started twitching. The other two seemed to be edging away slowly from her.

"Really! Okay, maybe I put just a little bit in," Torri mumbled, and the little creature called Rumble elbowed her. "Okay a **lot** in."

" **WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?"** I roared, and all three creatures gulped. " **THIS IS THE BEST DAMN FOOD I'VE EVER HAD, NOT TO MENTION MY BREAKFAST! YOU ROPED ME INTO YOUR LITTLE GROUP, AND YET YOU PULL THIS SORT OF STUNT!?"**

"I'm really, really, really sorry," Torri mumbled again. "I was just so mad about yesterday, and I wanted to get back you, but I'm really, really sorry. I won't ever do it again."

Her rambling stopped me in my tracks, and she looked like she was close to tears. Damnit, now **I** felt sorry. Was ruined food really an excuse for me to treat someone else horribly? Wow, what a new low for me.

"Hey, um," I started, and Torri's head jerked towards me. "I shouldn't have yelled at you, and I'm sorry about doing that. I'll try harder in the future to keep my temper down."

"That being said," I continued, "I think it would be fair to ask that you don't pull any more pranks like this on me. If you want to be my friend, you can't treat me like this."

Wait, did I just say frien-

"Okay," she sniffed.

Damnit, I think I just dug the hole deeper. Trying to keep my distance to these kids to a minimum and yet I managed to do the complete opposite. Oh well, that's just me in a nutshell.

I put the tray carefully down, and jumped down from the bed. The trio looked pretty apprehensive as I made my way over, though their faces morphed into bewilderment when I just stuck out my hand.

"Friends?" I asked with a placid smile upon my face. Of course, inside I was chanting my mantra of 'must not run away screaming, must not run away screaming'.

Torri slowly took her paw-hand thing in mine, and we shook. "Friends," she smiled, and my heart melted from the cuteness overload. Hey, I may be a manly man, but d'awww.

"Naow whut?" Rumble asked in that odd dialect of his. I could barely understand what he said, hell, I still didn't know what type of creature he was. Must remedy this later.

"Now," I announced, "I need a name. A good name. No, you can't give me one."

Rumble put down his paw disappointedly, while I thought furiously. There was just so many names to choose from, I didn't even know where to begin! All of humanity's history and culture were laid bare before me, and yet I couldn't decide. So many names to choose from!

And then, it hit me. Tempting fate was probably a bad idea, but damn it, I wouldn't let it dictate my choices. At the very least, I'd have a meaningful name of sorts. Kind of.

"Calvin," I uttered softly, then again, firmly. "Calvin is my name."

"Too weird," Torri said immediately without any hesitation.

"What? Come on, it's an okay name!" I said rather defensively.

"Nah, I agree with Torri, it's too weird," Barls nodded as he spoke. I glared at him. "You have weird names. Why can't I have a weird name?"

"Becuzz 'ets too wurrd," Rumble said in the irritating way that only kids can, as if 'it's weird'' could explain everything. "Make et smallerer. Evurrybeast'm who be thinken that et shudd be changered t''Cal', raise ee paw an' say aye."

"Aye!" both of them raised their paw-hands, to which I raised my own and bellowed, "Neigh! Neigh, I say!"

"Sorry, but there's two of us and one of you. That means your name is now Cal," Barls said seriously.

"What!? No, that isn't how this works!" I protested, but everyone was nodding sagely. This was completely stupid and pointless and-

"We need to get pack to picking strawberries, so we'll we see you later," Torri nodded at me, and the gang left the room, leaving me standing in place with my mouth open.

"Wait! You can't just go!" I shouted after them, but again, they were already gone.

I stood in place contemplating my next action. I had spent enough time here in the infirmary, and was itching to do something, _anything_ , not just to alleviate my boredom, but also in gratitude to the animal-people who had done right by me. Making my decision, I had opened the door but a small amount when I heard voices coming down the hall.

" _...and I'm telling you, it was the strangest thing ever!"_

" _How can you expect me to believe that? There weren't any clouds in the sky, Pamin, so the idea that you could get wet is simply inconceivable. Why, it's just as ridiculous as suggesting that an Abbey creature was doing their business outside the window!"_

I carefully shut the door, and marched back to my bed. Maybe staying in the infirmary wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.


End file.
